Memories.....

What happened to her – I asked him.

She left me. She became the wind whose freedom always attracted her, became the water whose unstoppable nature always gave her happiness. She became the sky she always wanted to achieve. She left me to get away from the sorry state of this world. She died, doctor…… she died.

Being a shrink is one of the toughest things in the world. You have to listen to people who are totally distraught, have lost their will to live, or are homicidal and suicidal in nature. One thing about pain is that it’s so infectious; you cannot be in presence of it and not get affected. But still I was doing my job pretty well, until one of my friends called me up and asked me to help this guy who has totally flipped out recently. So the next day he was in my office and I could understand my friend’s concern. The guy looked like he was very smart, destined to excel and yet, as life always like to play with such people,  was in a pretty rough shape. I asked him to take a seat and tell me his story. Little did I know that his story is going to ask me questions that I won’t be able to answer myself?

So she died- I said trying to sound as much concerned as I could have without hurting his feeling and yet to maintain a doctor patient distance, how did it happen?

What does it matter doctor that how did it happen? Bad things always happen.

Hmm I said, taking a deep breath. I need to change tactics for this guy to open up. OK – I fired the next question, where were you when it happened?

I was there, right next to her. She was lying on the hospital bed. They had patched her, but there was so much blood loss that she couldn't have been saved. We both knew it before the doctor said it. For three days she had been unconscious. They said she couldn't be saved, that she was in a lot of pain unbearable for any human. And then one day the doctor told me that she wanted to meet me. I was afraid, doctor, afraid of the inevitability of the situation. Still I put on my bravest face and went inside that room.

When she saw me she gave me a faint smile, it was evident that she couldn't do it with all the pain that she had and signaled me to sit close to her. I sat near her head and she said that she loved me and will continue to do so. I almost chocked and was unable to even say to her that I loved her too. She told me that it wasn't my fault and I must not blame myself but she didn't know that it only made it worse for me. She told me it doesn't matter that we couldn't live together anymore for even two nights with someone who loved is better than a lifetime with people you don’t love. She said a lot of things probably to herself rather than me. Her voice barely audible but it was her eyes that were doing almost all the talking. I turned my face in the other direction so she couldn't see my tears but she told me to look at her. She said she wanted to leave this world with me looking into her eyes and those eyes should only reflect love not pity, not pain but sheer undying uncompromising love. As I granted her, her last wish, I saw a final smile on her face, the smile that could only come from a soul who has everything, the soul that has no resent, a soul that could only belong to the best person I have ever met and will ever meet.  She asked me to open the curtains so she could see the stars, and one last time she told me, remember I love you and I always will love you. And then her body became still and her eyes were nothing more than great glassy globes, sprinkled with light from the stars they could not see.

He stopped talking and then I realized where we were, something about the way of his narration of events had took me there. It was like I almost could see a beloved leaving you behind. It was amazing; the force of their love was making me feel their loss.

What happened after that- I asked, it was almost a cruel request but I asked this for two reasons. One I wanted to know what happened and second from a more professional point of view I guessed that this guy just needs to say his feelings out loud. The situation becomes a horrible one if you don’t have someone to share to, bottled up emotions do more harm than eloquence ever does. So I insisted him.

You know doctor, he said in the same melancholic voice as before, you must have heard of heart broken. You know what that is, I’ll tell you. You feel like where there was your heart, now there is just a hole, a black hole sucking every happy feeling out of your life. You know there is a physical pain, so potent that you couldn't sleep, or eat. You are basically paralyzed. But I endured everything, every night when I’d go to sleep, I found her beside me, every time I looked up the stars she looked back on me. Every single moment of my life she was with me.

Now I was a little confused, this man liked to be in pain. Not a big deal we are all masochist to some extent after all, but if that’s the case why come to me. So I asked him- look my friend, I am not getting the problem.

Up until now- he said, I never felt alone. I was not happy but at least she was with me but now she’s going away.

I don’t understand how she can be going away if she’s already dead.

Because memories fall apart, too.  And then you're left with nothing, left not even with a ghost but with its shadow. In the beginning, she had haunted me, haunted my dreams, but even now, just weeks later, she was slipping away, falling apart in my memory and everyone else's, dying again.

I remembered reading these lines somewhere but I remained silent. Maybe he thinks these lines portray his feelings much better than he could have done himself. I almost felt sorry for the guy, but then I realized it’s not just him. How hopelessly helpless we all are at letting go of things that makes us sad.

Then I realized that this guy was paying me money to give some solution but I was clueless. Whatever I’m gonna say is not going to help this guy. This is a situation from which you have to come out on your own. Even when the whole world is by your side the emptiness of soul can be filled only by that special person.

Look my friend… I started. Sometimes we lose someone who is so close to our heart that we can’t imagine life without them. But believe me when I say it someday you are gonna find someone else, someday you’ll have another love in your life and that’s not because you aren't faithful or your love is not true, this is because who we are. People change and life goes on , there is no truth more truthful than that. And don’t worry about memories, you might think that she’s fading from your memories, but in reality she’s just making some space for someone else so you can get your life back on track. After all this is what she wants.

I’m not entirely sure whether he was convinced or not, but he said thank you and went away looking a bit more positive to say at least. But I stayed in my cabin, wondering if it’s possible for people to have one love their entire life.is it possible that the loss of one person could make the world seem depopulated? is it possible to mourn for one person your entire life. And while the history gives enough evidence to prove that it's possible..... the question still remains unanswered.